In the Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt outlines the many benefits of swapping endless screen time and an online childhood with free play, more independence and real world responsibility. But for many reasons—least of all the decline of the “village” of parenting—this can feel hard to accomplish. The days of “play outside until the street lights come on” have been replaced by busy sports schedules, longer work days for parents and just less time in general for spontaneous socializing.
Still, the idea of giving kids age appropriate doses of independence is clearly worthwhile. Mental health experts say promoting independence instills confidence, resilience and other qualities kids need to grow into competent adults. It can also make screen time a less attractive option, says Haidt: “If parents don’t replace screen time with real-world experiences involving friends and opportunities for independent activity, then banning devices will feel like pure deprivation, not like a world of opportunities opening up.”
Here are some ways moms across the Local Moms Network are giving their kids small doses of independence and helping them grow in big ways:
Letting Them Dress Themselves
This is easier for some parents and harder for others (we see you, stylish moms!). Give your child a few outfits to choose from (or free reign!), and then get out of their way. You might not love what they choose, but hey—soon they’ll be tweens and saying the same about your wardrobe.
Letting Them Help Even If It’s Messy
Cooking, preparing meals, setting a table and pouring drinks are all easier done without kids. But aside from mitigating risks around stovetops and knives (we love this real, but safer, chef’s knife!), there are few tasks that kids can’t help with at dinner time. It may be messy, but repeat after us: spilled milk today makes for resilient adults tomorrow.
Not Breaking Up Sibling Spats
Siblings are built-in opportunities for conflict resolution. And while constantly listening to fighting and bickering isn’t pleasant, avoid intervening constantly. The world doesn’t always have a moderator coming in to fix things, and if you give your kids a chance to figure it out, they might just surprise you.
Having Them Go Into a Store and Buy Something
Okay, so most of us aren’t giving our kids $5 and sending them down to the corner store to buy milk and walk back—unless you live in a city or small walkable town, it’s just not feasible. But you can stop at a local shop, give them cash or a card and have them go in all by themselves. They’ll practice talking to adults and problem-solving along with their newly developing independence.
Letting Them Fix Problems In Their Lives
Once your child is able to communicate clearly, encourage them to talk to their coaches, teachers and friends when something is bothering them. Calling a friend’s parents or emailing the coach about playing time might be faster, but it’s definitely not building social skills for your child. Support and encourage, but don’t jump in.
Let Them Set Up Their Own Playdates…
When kids are toddlers and early elementary, we control their social lives. As they get a little older, encourage them to make plans, decide where and what they want to do, and ask a friend to meet or come over. This can be done at school or with a Tin Can.
…And Allow Them to Play Without You
Every child is different, but if your child knows how to ride a bike or scooter safely, they might be ready to safely visit a friend’s house or take a ride around the neighborhood without you. Free play is a key tenant of Haidt’s book and premise, and the benefits of negotiating play without you interfering are a natural extension of the ones gained through sibling play.
How you offer opportunities for independence will depend on your where you live and your child. But the experts are clear—it’s an important part of parenting resilient kids.
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