This story was contributed by Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA and Founder & CEO of HeyKiddo.
If you’ve been anywhere near the news this month, you’ve seen the Cornell case. A former student has filed a civil lawsuit alleging that seven members of a Cornell fraternity drugged and sexually assaulted her at a party in October 2024. The Tompkins County district attorney, who did not pursue criminal charges at the time, has now reopened the criminal investigation.
Whatever happens next, a lot of us closed that article and thought about our own kids. Maybe your teenager has already seen it all over TikTok. Maybe your seven-year-old caught part of it on the car radio. Or maybe your kids are little, and you’re wondering what a toddler could possibly have to do with any of this.
More than you’d think.
We tend to think the consent conversation starts when our kids start dating. But kids learn consent years before they ever hear the word. They learn it through hundreds of small experiences with boundaries, changing their minds, hearing “no” and having their own “no” respected.
The first lesson is usually a tickle fight. They say stop, and they find out whether you actually do.
First, know that consent starts with the body. For a young child, consent means two things: their body belongs to them, and other people’s bodies belong to those people. It’s a lot easier to understand consent at sixteen when the basic idea isn’t new. A kid who has spent years learning that “stop” means stop has already practiced the basic rule.
Second, have lots of small conversations. A big sit-down can get tuned out, especially as kids get older. The ride home from practice or a scene in a show you’re watching together is usually enough of an opening. Each of those small conversations also tells your child this is a topic they’re allowed to bring to you.
Third, talk about the group. The Cornell allegations involve a group of students. Research from Laurence Steinberg and colleagues at Temple University has found that teenagers take more risks around peers than they do alone. So telling our kids not to hurt anyone isn’t enough. They also need a plan for what to do when everyone around them is going along with something wrong.
Finally, adapt to your child. What you say will depend on your child’s age and what they’ve already picked up. Every child is different, but here’s where I’d start at each stage.
Preschool (ages 2 to 4)
“You said stop, so I’m stopping.”
Say it out loud during tickling, wrestling, or chasing, then actually stop and wait. Narrating it links the word to the result. If they giggle and yell “Again!”, they’ve just learned something else important: a “no” can turn back into a “yes,” and it’s theirs to decide.
“Do you want to give Grandma a hug, a high five, or a wave?”
Offer the choice with relatives too, and back them up when they pick the wave. “She’s choosing a wave today.” Your child learns that their body isn’t something they owe to anyone, including people they love.
“That’s your vulva.” / “That’s your penis.”
Use the correct names at bath time, as plainly as you’d say “elbow.” A child who has the right words can tell you more clearly if something happens to their body.
Younger Elementary (ages 5 to 7)
“The parts your swimsuit covers are private. If anyone touches them, or asks you to keep a secret about touching, tell me. You will never be in trouble.”
Kids this age may worry they’ll get in trouble for something that happened, so repeat the “you won’t be in trouble” part every time this comes up. You can also explain the exceptions: a parent or caregiver helping them stay clean, or a doctor checking their body to keep them healthy. Those grown-ups should explain what they’re doing and why. And if your child is ever unsure whether something was okay, they can always ask you.
“In our family, we do surprises, not secrets.”
A surprise is something fun that everyone finds out about soon, like a birthday present. A secret is something you’re told never to tell. If anyone, adult or kid, asks your child to keep a secret from you, especially about touching, make sure they know that’s exactly the kind of thing to tell you.
“Check your friend’s face. Is it still fun for them?”
Kids this age are getting better at noticing other people’s cues. When they’re chasing or wrestling a friend who has stopped laughing, coach them to pause and check.
Older Elementary (ages 8 to 10)
“If you have to talk someone into it, it’s not a yes.”
Apply it to everything: sharing a snack, a sleepover dare, which game to play. Kids this age negotiate all day long. They can learn that wearing someone down until they give in isn’t the same as agreeing.
“Ask before you post or send a picture of a friend.”
Many kids have tablets, group chats, or gaming accounts by now, and a photo of a friend is that friend’s to share.
“What would you do if all your friends started being mean to one kid, and you didn’t like it?”
Ask it as a real question and let them answer. Then help them settle on one concrete move they could actually make, like saying “I’m out” and walking away, or going to find a grown-up. Rehearsing it ahead of time means they don’t have to invent a response in the moment.
Middle School (ages 11 to 13)
“Have you heard anything about the Cornell story?”
Start with what they know. Kids this age may have seen more of it online than you have, including rumors, names, and pile-ons. Correct what’s wrong, and keep your own reaction steady enough that they can keep talking. If every difficult thing they bring you gets a huge reaction, they may become more careful about what they tell you.
“If anyone ever asks you for a picture of your body, or sends you one, don’t send anything and don’t forward it. Show me. You won’t lose your phone over it.”
Fear of losing their phone or of getting in trouble, can keep kids from asking for help. Take that off the table, before it ever comes up.
“A yes can turn into a no at any point, and that counts. That goes for you and for anyone you’re with.”
This applies to a kiss, a dare, or a plan to sneak out. People are allowed to change their minds.
High School (ages 14 to 18)
“Someone who is too drunk or high to understand what’s happening (or make a clear choice) can’t consent. If you’re not sure, stop.”
Alcohol and drugs play a role in many sexual assaults among teens and young adults, including the allegations in the Cornell case. Teach your kid to look for a clear “yes,” not just the absence of a “no.”
“If something is going wrong at a party, you can pull your friend out, find someone who can help, or call 911. You never have to stay and watch.”
Talk about consent from both sides: what it requires of them when they’re with someone, and what they can do when they see someone else’s boundaries being ignored.
“If you’re ever somewhere that’s going bad, text me an X. I’ll call with a family emergency and come get you, and I won’t ask questions that night.”
This is a version of the “X-plan” popularized by parent and writer Bert Fulks. It gives your teen a way out without having to explain themselves to their friends. The “no questions that night” part matters. You can talk later, calmly, once everyone is home and safe.
What to avoid
“Go give Grandpa a kiss.” (It teaches that an adult’s feelings outrank a child’s comfort with their own body.)
“He’s only mean to you because he likes you.” (It teaches kids to read unwanted attention as affection, and that lesson can follow them into dating.)
“Just don’t put yourself in that situation.” (It puts the responsibility on the person who could be harmed instead of teaching everyone what they are responsible for. It can also leave a child who does get hurt believing they caused it.)
“If I ever find out you were drinking at a party, you’re done.” (Your teenager hears “don’t call me.” You want them to know they can call you even after a bad decision.)
Most of us heard some version of these growing up, which means they can come out on autopilot. The good news is that they’re easy to change.
If your child ever tells you something happened to them, stay calm, take them seriously, and thank them for telling you. Listen without interrogating them or trying to figure out exactly what happened yourself. Save the detailed questions for professionals and contact your pediatrician. You can also reach the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 for guidance on next steps.
And if you’ve been insisting on hugs at Thanksgiving for years, you haven’t missed your chance. You can start offering “hug, high five, or wave?” this year.
About Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA & HeyKiddo
Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA, is an internationally recognized keynote speaker, consulting psychologist, and best-selling author who focuses on human behavior, leadership, and mental agility. An entrepreneur since childhood, she is the CEO of Equilibria Leadership Consulting, an organizational and leadership development firm, and founder of HeyKiddo, a company dedicated to helping children and the adults raising them build the social, emotional, and leadership skills they need to thrive.
